#BoutThatInstantReward – Curbing my Enthusiasm

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Have you ever felt like your thought process had completely deviated over time?

These past couple of years I have realized how impulsive I am about pretty much everything I like and consequently want; I have literally become obsessed with the most random (or not so random) *ish. It can be a book I have just read, a movie or documentary I have just watched, someone I have just met – I experience a scary level of intensity I would have a hard time to explain, but that could be compared to a high degree of inebriation, I guess… Furthermore, I would probably attempt to describe this phenomenon as a combination of my high sensitivity to surroundings as well as how I feed off of all sorts of energies; My emotions are as raw as ones of little animals, primitive, and as far as I can remember, it has always been that way: lacking filters that is.

I have always been ’bout that instant reward, and let me tell you something about that MF: without going into any details, it can get you into REAL trouble!

The most interesting part would be how long it took me to realize that there was a pattern here: what usually seemed like an Excellent idea (and I stress the word) was obviously and absolutely ludicrous. Think of those times you saw someone do crazy shit and felt like saying: “Who TF does that,” with “that” stance that tells it all: that was me.

Looking back, I believe that my calm demeanor and the overall symmetrical features allowed me dodge lethal bullets; nonetheless, and very (un)fortunately, all of it did happen. Felt like living in a parallel dimension where common rules did not (or so I thought) applied, per se… A type of judging impairment that occurs when you hit your head a little too hard on the round edge of a wooden bed.

The good news is that, as my journey through self-discovery continues, I now recognize and acknowledge the pattern and I am able to cope with my urges… which is, granted, not the easiest thing but promising for the future.

Greatness takes time, dedication and patience. Passion is beautiful, but eagerness makes it hard to actually reach that level of long-lasting satisfaction. Eagerness shatters spirits, I know it shattered mine several times in the past, but I say: no more; and I am at peace with it: Life has a specific design and since the Universe has a purpose for each and every one of us I have no choices but accept it, fully – and trust her process.

Have you ever felt like your thought process had completely deviated over time? If so, feel free to share!

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

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