#PTSD

Although #heartbreak does not kill you, it does a number on you; the fear of another encounter is sometimes so overwhelming that it almost does not matter you survived.

You just can’t help but look over your shoulder and/or second guess yourself. You keep hoping, smiling, praying, chanting… or whatever else you usually do to “cope”, but you just feel broken: that is just the way it is.

What does not kill you makes you stronger; but did you know that first you would have to experience #PTSD?

Then, it will make you either stronger, or just harder – harder to get – by.

Although #heartbreak does not kill you, it does a number on you; the fear of another encounter is sometimes so overwhelming that it almost does not matter you survived.

But you did survive.
& that’s what matters.

#PTSD

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#Speechless

“There is no difference between time and any of the three dimensions of space except that our consciousness moves along it”. The Time Machine, G. Wells

It is usually unexpected. You are suddenly experiencing an emotional roller coaster, a rush.
It’s almost like, somehow, you are lapsing in(to) time, losing track of one of the independent variables of the SpaceTime Continuum.

Maladroitly, you are trying to maneuver in between the lines, but every time you grab onto something, you slip and keep falling down the rabbit hole.

Shit! You. Left. Me. Speechless.
Me? Speechless?
Huh? (#ConfusedFace)

Am I trying to make sense of it? This is – Pointless.

Some emotions are better left alone until they settle down nicely on their own.
Some emotions should remain nameless for there are no words to accurately define them.
Some emotions are not meant to be shared.
Just let it marinate for a while.
Keep it moving.

Keep Breathing.
Welcome the silence.
Accept the daze.

#TrustTheProcess.

#Speechless

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#BarkingUpTheWrongTree

La goutte d’eau qui fait déborder le vase” is a French idiomatic expression, which literally means “the drop of water that has made the vase overflown”. I guess this could be translated in English by the straw that broke the camel’s back, although the accuracy of the French saying pertains much better to my situation. But anyway, this was the first thing that came to my mind this morning after someone’s small and sweet gesture made me reevaluate the way I had lately been handling certain situations.

I firmly believe that every single person touching our life from close or from afar has a specific purpose. This purpose might be obvious or it might not be; however, it is ALWAYS life altering as it guides and influences you through different paths, doors and ultimately helps you experience a meaning-full life.

Furthermore, let’s put it out there: the Universe does not make any mistakes; she has been doing this ish* for a while now and it does not matter what you think you really want; I know you really really want it, and it seems like this is IT – but you are confused; what you want is irrelevant because as the caring and loving entity she is, she will only give you what you NEED.

And in a near or distant future, you’ll see that obviously, at the time, you were barking up the wrong tree. So, It is up to us to do it her way or the hard way.

Sometimes you just need to let the water overflow and #TrustTheProcess.

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#BoutThatInstantReward – Curbing my Enthusiasm

IMG_5553-0

Have you ever felt like your thought process had completely deviated over time?

These past couple of years I have realized how impulsive I am about pretty much everything I like and consequently want; I have literally become obsessed with the most random (or not so random) *ish. It can be a book I have just read, a movie or documentary I have just watched, someone I have just met – I experience a scary level of intensity I would have a hard time to explain, but that could be compared to a high degree of inebriation, I guess… Furthermore, I would probably attempt to describe this phenomenon as a combination of my high sensitivity to surroundings as well as how I feed off of all sorts of energies; My emotions are as raw as ones of little animals, primitive, and as far as I can remember, it has always been that way: lacking filters that is.

I have always been ’bout that instant reward, and let me tell you something about that MF: without going into any details, it can get you into REAL trouble!

The most interesting part would be how long it took me to realize that there was a pattern here: what usually seemed like an Excellent idea (and I stress the word) was obviously and absolutely ludicrous. Think of those times you saw someone do crazy shit and felt like saying: “Who TF does that,” with “that” stance that tells it all: that was me.

Looking back, I believe that my calm demeanor and the overall symmetrical features allowed me dodge lethal bullets; nonetheless, and very (un)fortunately, all of it did happen. Felt like living in a parallel dimension where common rules did not (or so I thought) applied, per se… A type of judging impairment that occurs when you hit your head a little too hard on the round edge of a wooden bed.

The good news is that, as my journey through self-discovery continues, I now recognize and acknowledge the pattern and I am able to cope with my urges… which is, granted, not the easiest thing but promising for the future.

Greatness takes time, dedication and patience. Passion is beautiful, but eagerness makes it hard to actually reach that level of long-lasting satisfaction. Eagerness shatters spirits, I know it shattered mine several times in the past, but I say: no more; and I am at peace with it: Life has a specific design and since the Universe has a purpose for each and every one of us I have no choices but accept it, fully – and trust her process.

Have you ever felt like your thought process had completely deviated over time? If so, feel free to share!

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#HaveYouClaimedYourQueendom?

IMG_4793

Have you? If not, you should. Easier said than done, I know…

I believe that the most effective way to change the world for the better is to finally acknowledge and empower women the way they should always have been. Last week I was told I had a Queen Complex. I was told I had a #QueenComplex because I believe that I should be treated like I am special. But (in my mind) I do think I am, and I also believe that all my sisters out there are. Call me vain, full of myself or even over-confident; however, the reality is that I allow myself to be out of my comfort zone and live my truth. I still feel insecure and inadequate, but not because I am being judged by others. I feel insecure and inadequate simply because it takes a moment to adjust to newness.

I will admit that over the years I have made mistakes: I have lied and manipulated. I have used, judged and disregarded others’ feelings. I have even been conniving, spoke hurtful words and was unfair to those who loved me most; and this was the kind version to the things I inflicted to myself. The pain flourishing in my womb quickly encompassed my heart and blazed those who dare to come too close. Numbness had me unable to feel pleasure even from the most delectable gifts life was offering.

Then one day, the Shift of Consciousness occurred when a little angel reminded me that Queens love themselves regardless of circumstances and radiate that love so others can feel the softness of their touch, the warmth of their breath, the solace in their words like a tender caress. Queens rise up and lead, and fill their higher purpose. Queens don’t let shame paralyze them. Interestingly enough, it was not the first time this angel had come to me, but this time I decided to listen because I felt ready.

Unfortunately, as women, we face so many challenges, starting with ourselves; challenges influenced by society, our peers/family, the media and everything in between. Again, I consider that all women have this innate untapped super power, which in most occurrences we regrettably fail to recognize, and are totally unaware of how potent it is. Hence, most of us live our entire lives consumed by this unreleased verve.

My wish is for the future is to unleash the full potential that reside in every Queen out there, to nurture, inspire, uplift and support their spirit with love and compassion.

Have you claimed your Queendom yet?
I hope those words will hearten your soul and motivate you to do so.
Most importantly, be gentle to yourself.

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#OnLoveAndLustAndEverythingInBetween (Part2)

I can honestly say that these past couple of weeks I fell in lust again. With myself.

It is odd when you finally realize that your flaws are what make you special, that the imperfections add un je ne sais quoi to the craft: you mature into a butterfly.

By discovering your Power as a woman you declare yourself to the world and this is the most beautiful thing that can happen to you, and those around you: it makes us confident; and being confident not only alters the way you perceive yourself: It changes everything.

By discovering your Power as a woman you completely shift the Energies as you enter the room; it is a powerful tide shambling strangers’ blood… it is enlivening for those who are watching (You included).

Once your eyes are open to the universe realities, there is no coming back; however, be aware that your light will scare away those who benefited from your previous blindness, so don’t let them dim your light, rain on your parade!

Keep radiating, embracing your true self and encourage your sisters around you to do the same.

On the verge of my 35th birthday, I finally grasp It, and I don’t think I will ever let it go…

#OnLoveAndLustAndEverythingInBetween

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#WhenInDoubt

I think it is best to inquire before too hastily jumping to conclusions and in the process damage any type of friendships. In the past, I have too many times did or say things that have altered my confidence and hurt  the relationships with people who were very close to me.

Lately, I have found a way to clear my head: I write down my thoughts and often ask the universe to give me what I want. Of course, She is the boss and knows what’s best for me, so if it is right – she is providing.

It allows me to approach life with a different perspective and procures me with a sense of calm I don’t remember experiencing before: my only job now is to be honest with others and myself and when faced with love, rejection or indifference, I know that, in the long run the process She should be trusted. That is when, eventually, doubts and hesitations will manifest less often.

We all have a purpose, and I feel that the more we apply pressure on life the hardest is to find our calling on time to fulfill the latter. I feel I am just right where I am to be. No doubt here.

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#ShortUpdate

For the past month I have been sleep deprived and expectedly it has clouded my judgment and nudged my inner balance; and because of all the life changing events presently occurring it has been challenging.

Although I am still experiencing anxiety, and I am extremely tired, these past couple of days I felt a deep calm within me. Months ago I asked the Universe for a few things, I actually wrote them down, and amazingly enough, they are becoming reality. I am not a religious person, but I believe in homeostasis, some call it Karma and how– we, as part of the universe – have an amazing untapped power.

As things are falling into place pretty awesomely, (just like I had asked the universe) I wanted to share with you a non-exhaustive list I believe helped me to make my desires concrete:

  1. Be as specific and intentional as you can be – if it is what you really want (months, date, names, locations…), do not live room for doubt, and be ready to receive.
  2. Be cautious of what you are asking for because it will materialize; however,
  3. do not be afraid.
  4. Be grateful and share your story as inspiration, but keep it for those who asked for it.
  5. Keep unsolicited advice for yourself.

So that is it for this short update… Until next time

#ShortUpdate

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#AboutTrustingMyGut

I woke up clear headed.

I think that once I’ll intentionally position myself for success and truly accept that failure is part of the growth process, I’ll be blessed with those things I’ve been longing for.

Although I acknowledge the latter (failure as the best thing that can happen to me), what has prevented me from fully accepting it is my fear of rejection and unwillingness to listen to my feelings.

I usually do so because I distrust my emotions and constantly challenge my instinct, that I consider fallible – when it’s in fact probably the most accurately unbiased tool I have at my disposition  – and I should use it.

Yet, I am quick to run my mouth and ask my friends why they think things are one way or the other, when I already know* why, just so to introduce perspectives fitting the narrative I’d like to see unfold.

Well, as cliché as it sounds, actions always speak louder than words, the intentions hardly matter and we do not always get what we want.

Bottom line, when you feel unsettled, trust your gut, Always.

Today, I woke up clear headed and I have decided to accept that everyone in my life has a defined purpose and once that purpose has been fulfilled it’s ok to let go. The quicker I’ll do so, the closer I’ll be from all those things I have been longing for.

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

Daphné 2.0

Screen Shot 2016-02-14 at 12.22.34 PM

Life is complex. But does it have to be?

I have a hard time to find a balance between straightforwardness, which can sound harsh (and make people feel uncomfortable), and sugarcoating my words. I really admire and look up to those who can confidently manage both qualities simultaneously, without sounding passive-aggressive.

Although I grew a lot as an individual these past couple of years and I am still in the process of becoming the woman I have always meant to be, I still struggle with these two, and feel as I still have a long way to go.

Over the years I have evolved: I used to be fearless and opinionated, then I became afraid and perplexed about the world. I *toned down* which is not necessarily a bad thing, I guess, yet I had become so subdued that the day of my shift of consciousness those around who had never really experienced me that way were rather surprised, to say the least… It is their life tho, they need to deal with that *ish on their own time; Long story short: I understand the rules a little better and somehow have the self-restrain I lacked in the past (allegedly); needless to say that I am better version of my former self.

July 2015 has been so far one of the most stressful month this year, which is ok, as I tend to perform best during highly challenging times. I just hope I will get the chance to exhale, because I have been waiting to do so for quite some time now. *I feel like it is coming*.

Life is complex. But does it have to be? I guess it does, until you finally accept your boundlessness.

Currently loading… Daphné 2.0

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#OnLoveAndLustAndEverythingInBetween (Part1)

I sometimes wonder if I will ever fall in Love again.

Some days it is obvious I will, others I doubt it very much.

Let me reiterate: I wonder if, one day, I will fall into this reciprocated Love that feels so good that nothing seems* to matter anymore, at least for a while. That Lust that overrides everything and shields you from all the negative clouds coming your way.

That astounding pleasure that lingers down your belly, tickling butterflies…  exhilarating, intoxicating, inspiring, rush of Oxytocin… Pretty dope, pretty sweet.

A parallel world where shades of blue superpose and intertwine into an undulating ocean of softness and where each breath ends in a sigh…Ooo… Can you taste the rainbow yet?

Anyway, if you feel I am delusional or too romantic: #BlameItOnMaxwell not on me… I trust that the universe will provide me with what I need, when I will need it the most. All I want is a piece of that bliss…
Love Jones

#OnLustLoveAndEverythingInBetween (Poem)

I sometimes wonder if

I will fall in Love again.

This reciprocated Love

So good nothing seems* to matter anymore

That Lust that overrides everything

Encompasses your soul with thrills

Shields you from dark clouds

Astounding pleasure lingering down, tickling butterflies…

Exhilarating, intoxicating, inspiring, rush of Oxytocin

Pretty dope, pretty sweet.

A parallel world where shades of blue superpose

Intertwine into an undulating ocean of softness

Where each breath ends in a sigh.

All I want is a piece of that bliss…

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#IfGodExists

#IfGodExists
She won’t mind me questioning her existence.

#IfGodExists
She is waiting on my next move.

#IfGodExists
She is unapologetically fierce and beautifully honest.

#IfGodExists
She loves purposely and accepts unconditionally.
 
She forgives and understands.
She accordingly provides.
She never doubts and she believes.
She judges not and always allows me to wonder if God exists.

#IfGodExists

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#ThePowerOfSymmetry

I was called beautiful twice in the space of a week.

It came from two different individuals, and under two very different circumstances:

The first time was sweetly whispered and unexpected in that way, definitely validating. It warmed every inches of my body. I *think* it was genuine and I greeted the compliment by a thank you. I understood the process: these words had come through special lenses, visual cues and other senses that transcended physicality.

The second time, was different. It was almost if, I were to blame for it. Hostile encounter where I had to explain how uncomfortable it could make me feel to be described as such.

It is indeed complicated: I do think that I fit a certain standard of attractiveness, which means that depending on which angle you are coming from, I may (or may not) look enticing. I am not meant to move everybody, (like Ruby Rose, what a relief) and I am at peace with that.

I acknowledge the power of symmetry, biologically – as our body’s survival instinct, strongly reacts, at a chemical level, to those who might be a compatible match to produce healthy offspring. Of course, there are many other factors involved in “choosing” and “picking” but I am starting to wonder how much free will we have when it comes to that type of things. How much, if we stick to a primitive approach, can we deny the power of symmetry?

Well, I can only talk for myself when I say that I view it as a potent force, a catalyst for relationships and all the things in between.

I was called beautiful twice in the space of a week. Actually, it happened a third time between when I started to write and finished this post. I don’t really know why things happen the way they do, and maybe never will, but I know that in the end it will all make sense.

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#Catharsis

Processed with VSCOcam with g3 preset
#LivingMyLifeLikeItsGolden

Magic occurs when you stop judging yourself,
When you allow your flaws to be seen
Vulnerability to exist.

Shame will hinder Everything.
Paralyze you to your core,
Cut the grass under your feet:
Don’t let it have the last word.

I was born Free-Spirited
But that spirit was stolen by boundaries and conventions.
I was born unchained
But was taught that I should wear shackles so I could fit in.

Today I woke up crying
but my tears were cathartic:
I have been lying to the world,
I have been lying to mySelf.

But the Universe knows
And She has forgiven.

Who am I, not to grant Her wish?

& I forgave mySelf too, so to let Magic happen.

#Catharsis

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#AboutPatience

#AboutPatience

Every time I felt challenged, I got extremely overwhelmed. Although my life might appear unorthodox for some people, I have been living very comfortable and cautious existence. Here’s the problem: nobody has ever reached the sky by being safe, and the sky is all I’ve been longing for.

I’ve been meaning to explore this one precious gift of a life to its fullest, but was from early infused with fears and doubts. Having a strong support system is really a blessing, I think, even if some succeed without.

I claim that I am aware of my privileges, yet I can’t help but complaining about things that I can easily change, or rather, things I think I can easily change, as if, maybe, there were forces that are stronger than we might admit. As if, even with all the purpose in the world, there were energies that are way more potent that we want to give them credit for.

I have this strong belief that in the end it will all make sense. It is how I am able to get up every day and keep going, despite the headaches, the heartaches, disappointments and the shame.

Meanwhile, I am being patient.

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#BlameItOnMaxwell.


Once upon a time, we created music, and since then, nothing has ever been the same. There is a great deal of info we can deduct about each other, according to our musical tastes. Music fertilizes ideas, behaviors, shapes our minds, and inspires us. It’s incontestably one of the most powerful tools humans have at their disposition. The Beat is innate, as it mimics life, the heart.

I think I was always moved, more than the average folk, by people and *things’ energy. I have to admit that it is a blessing, and sometimes a curse to reach this degree of hypersensitivity, or should I say anxiety, that simultaneously engages part of your brain, while paralyzing the other: it feels unstable and a bit exhilarating, like a first kiss.

I can confidently say that music had an immense influence on my life. Although I grew up listening different genres, I’d admit that along with Bossa/Samba, Black American music like RnB and Jazz hold a very special place in my soul. D’Angelo dropped Brown Sugar on my first year of high school: little did I know that, from then on I would never be able to ever think straight again. I have search for solace in the words of Erykah and Jill, and approached life, especially my romantic relationships as if they somehow had to fit a specific soundtrack. Now picture what type of hormones sprinkled cocktail Molotov you have to deal with when that type of fiction collides with reality.

I will forever #BlameItOnMaxwell for those times when, laying on the floor, I waited for the cops to come knocking, and thanks Janet for me not caring about who is around. It took me years to realize that, at times, the music set expectations which prevented me from experiencing my version of life to its fullest, as I desperately wanted to fill the gap left in between. Other time, Music colorfully highlighted days that might have been otherwise bland and lifeless; at least for me.

Looking back and being wiser, I am grateful that I was – and still am – privilege enough to be exposed to such a rich musical life. It makes me a better artist and definitely human being, as now I am writing my own soundtrack and share it. Who knows maybe someone is listening…

#BlameItOnMaxwell.

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#AreYouYou?

 


Every once in a while there is a slight shift, some sort of spiritual awakening.

Then, one day as you open your eyes, you realize you have been catering to a certain ideal, specific expectations that somehow were not necessarily aligned with your inner self. Deep down you might* have known all along that something was quite peculiar…

We are taught to be “good”, sage comme une image (well-behaved, like a still picture, a photograph) and that if we’d step/act out we’d be labeled as rebel, and possibly ostracized. It is in some ways fundamental to learn these boundaries in order to understand how The System works, so you can recognize when it is on the move (to get you).

Unfortunately, some of us, after being so perfectly conditioned are too far along into standardization to even realize how constrained we are, unaware of our lack of Freedom. Others, although recognizing their limitations, will forever be doomed to wander in limbo, paralyzed by fear.

So are we really who we are meant to be?

Are we on the pack of awakening? 

Or maybe I am just overthinking, taking myself way too seriously, failing to realize that I am just another collection of ingeniously arranged carbon atoms surpassed by the complexity of her soul.

#AreYouYou?


©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#NeverEnough?

I never feel like I’m enough. I used to be an avid reader growing up and although I still read regularly there are so many others books to be read, so many authors I don’t even know about.

I graduated last September. My studies were as challenging than rewarding and I am so grateful I have learnt so much. I belong to the “privileged”; it also made me realize how little I know about virtually every topic I can think of.

I admire eloquence and wit of those consistent souls who have goals and reach them. I, myself, am well intentioned and constantly plan ahead, “list” in an attempt to get things done and better myself— and fall [so] short.

I know that hard work is #always rewarded, eventually, that repetition bring us closer to “perfection” and one can do everything they put their my mind to, yet I easily get overwhelmed and systematically experience staggering stage fright. I resent judgment so much that I hide my weaknesses with assurance and stare at my fears right in the eyes without ever turning my back as I’m afraid it would stab me.

Can it be that there are too many books to read, or too much knowledge available to be versed in all of them? Definitely so!!!! I should see this as a quality: it forces me to do better. So why do I never feel like I am enough? Why are these wicked insecurities crawling under my feet and meddling through the cracks [any cracks] show up at the most inopportune times? I guess that no matter how prepared I think I am I should make peace with it and get used to it. Meanwhile, the struggle continues…

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

Can We All Just Get Along? #PeaceOffering

  

I recently celebrated the 11th anniversary of my arrival in New York. Eleven years, is a long time. Yet, when you meet an 11 year old, you feel as they don’t know much about life and that the best is yet to come.

Of course I miss many things about my mother’s land: my family, my friends, the food… the ease at which one is quick to purchase a weekend in Rome or Budapest, or even New York. The health benefits just to state the obvious, four weeks paid vacation, the month of May… just to state a few…

When I tell people I am French, they look at me dubitatively, and ask why I am here. Like if France, was the most romantic and idyllic place on planet Earth. Well, my dear friend, I guess we always think the grass is greener in other side of the pond, don’t we?

The reality is that my love living here, right now; more specifically, I love the opportunities, to know there are there to grab if you work hard enough. Of course, there are opportunities other places, but for now, here is my home. Will I always love it? I do not know. It’s been only 11 years, and I might change my mind at some point.

Today, I am really comfortable with who I am and represent, and do not feel I shall refrain from comparing or criticizing things or people I find offensive, distasteful or admirable; However, it came to my attention that some of my rants bothered certain people, not because of what I was saying, but because of who I was… which could be understandable, I guess? One might feel attacked, looked upon, dismissed… Maybe I should stop complaining about not being able to find a descent baguette up in here? I mean, it does sound condescending, but perfectly fits the French stereotype I think you have of me, isn’t it right? I am just trying to make you feel comfortable since I refuse to disclose my “race or ethnicity”: now you can put me in a box (smiley face). Here I go again… just joking… not— bygone…

Bottom line, I love it here, and from now on, I think I will try to be a bit more considerate of your feelings people, cause I want us to get along and bond ❤

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015

#InBecomingTheWomanIWasAlwaysMeantToBe

Life is challenging. No kidding.

Constantly remind myself to be thankful for all the blessings in my life does not make me not complain about what things could be if I had spent more time focusing on things I really wanted.

“Make it happen” they say. But is it that easy? There is a plethora of things that excite me.

First and foremost, music. I love to sing, write and compose, but never really share, being overly critical of my abilities. I also love science and engineering, and have been thinking for a few months about exploring these new horizons, but have to think on the implication of going back to school on my personal and financial life. Finally, I have been writing this novel… I am still on the first page tho, hahahaha. Sci-fi— I feel I need a stronger plot tho. to be continued.

Maybe I just need to start things… *shift of consciousness*

I plan on 2015 to be the woman I was always meant to be. Looking passed judgements, focus on my goals, plan strategically and act.

Wish me luck.

©️ Daphne Mia Essiet, 2015